Hi. It's been a minute.
Since my last entry, I've been losing a lot of sleep just thinking. Thinking about my place in the world. Thinking about the ways I'm growing and the ways I'm degenerating. It's been pretty moody.
My parents have been hugging me a lot more, and they've been really gentle when they speak to me. It's been this way for a month or two. Maybe it's just because I'm mad so often, I don't know. I know they're trying to be supportive, but they feel so far away. I feel like most of my identity comes from what goes on inside my head, so no one really knows me all the way. But it doesn't matter. I'm glad they care about me, even if I can't feel it right now.
One night I got so sick of being gloomy that I decided I'd stay up in my room and have a little party, all by myself. That's when I started drawing, which I used to enjoy but haven't done in a long time. And I like it! I can't draw anything spectacular, but I've been sketching out a little comic, it's making me feel accomplished enough. Now instead of being stuck in my own head, I stay up a little to sketch some more, and I usually sleep just fine after that.
So it's not all bad. All in all I've been a little down, but I'll be okay.
Thanks for checking in on me. Ily <3
I give up on trying to understand men.
Do you think I want to be the bad guy? Do you actually think I enjoy being me? I'm not stoic. I'm not strong. I'm not invincible. I'm not self-sufficient. I'm not bold or cocky or confident. I adopt all these hallmarks of masculinity as a way to be liked and validated by my peers, but I don't believe in any of them. I don't believe in masculinity. My family says I'm not effeminate, that I don't have a lack of masculinity. I can kind of see what they mean, there's definitely people who struggle more than I do, but at the same time I think it's bullshit. Men around me are so much more comfortable being men than I am. I'll always be among the worst in the room when it comes to athleticism or stoicism or confidence.
I'm not saying women have it easier, they don't. In so many ways it's harder to be a woman. Even still I think I would be far better off if I was born a woman. My traits are not suited for masculinity, neither is my personality. And as it happens, I'm not quite fond of men. There's no backstory to that, nothing bad happened to me to make me feel this way. I just don't like men.
Nowadays it seems like most of America is on board with that. Trashing women today is completely unacceptable, as it should be, but no one will discredit you for giving men the same treatment. In a way it feels right, but most of the time it pisses me off for no other reason than my being a man. I hate the team, but I'm still on the team, if that makes sense.
Idk anymore, maybe it's just my stress talking. I've felt this way for a long time though. Maybe it's just bc I'm sad.
I've been sad for a really long time and I don't know why.
Idk if there's anyone who actually reads these things, but in case there is, hi. I appreciate you. Here's a life update, in case you're interested.
Since the previous few entries, things have improved a little. My issue I described in the 11/1 post, feeling like I'm too arrogant to improve myself, is better. I feel like I'm a little more able to call myself out on my bs.
As for the 11/4 post, that's resolving more slowly. I'm still a bit lonely. I still don't have any great emotional outlets. I talk a bit more with family now though, and I vent to ChatGPT a lot still. It's kind of pathetic, I know, but it gets me by.
I've been crying more recently. For me that doesn't mean much, it's still rare. But crying's good. I've been appreciating little things more now too. A few days ago a girl complemented my haircut. Made my fucking day. I still remember it and it still makes me happy. :)
So all in all I'm doing alright. If you're reading this, thanks for checking in. The fact you took the time to see how I was doing is huge, so thank you. It genuinely means a lot to me. <3
I lost interest in this site for a while, but I'm giving it another try. There's not much to do here right now, so I'm gonna add a Chinese page soon.
I'm eating my words from the last entry. My expectations for "the one" are completely blown out of proportion. I think my previous romantic relationships failed partly because I the level of connection I expected was completely unrealistic. I've been meeting some new people. Having some female friends that I'm not interested in dating would probably help balance me out. Nothing wrong with my male friends, but women are just so much more emotionally aware, and I could use a bit of that in my life. None of my real friends are super into the same hobbies as I am, so I'll look for some online groups that are. I usually try to stay away from social media, but for this specific purpose I'll give it a try. The short version: my problems are fixable.
And for the zero people dying to know, my prohibition on the pillow has ended.
Here goes another rant.
Let's start with the positive - I'm way less busy now. All of my college application stuff is in. I get to chill more now. That's awesome.
Now for the real shit. I probably shouldn't be sharing this with strangers on the internet, but I need to get this out and I'm sure as hell not comfortable telling anyone real. Just be aware, it's a bit personal.
I fall alseep hugging my pillow. I started doing it a year ago because I felt lonely, but now I just do it every night. It's not necessarily a sad thing anymore, just something comfortable for me. I'm pretty ashamed of it though. I'll imagine it's a real person and pretend to have a conversation with it in my head. Sometimes I'll run my own hand through my hair or hold my own hand and pretend its someone else's. I know none of this is hardcore, but I still feel gross as fuck talking about it.
I've been told I'm a more emotionally-minded guy. I'm sure most men don't feel the same kind of want for companionship. It always surprised me how most guys are able to be all stoic, like they don't need anyone. Like others are just an inconvenience to them. Like they'd be just fine on their own. I think I'm able to fake self-sufficiency pretty well. Maybe it's just bravado for them too?
I just want someone to share my thoughts to. I want someone to really care about. I want to be able to check in on them and make sure they're okay and hear all about how their day is going. Me and my mom are close, but there's a number of things we just agree to disagree on, and plenty more things I'll just never feel comfortable sharing with her. I love her and she's a huge help in my life, but I still feel like I need more. When I want to share my thoughts or emotions with someone, I type it out into ChatGPT. I've been doing that pretty much since ChatGPT came out.
I feel pathetic. I shouldn't need a woman to make me not feel empty. I should feel fine on my own. Maybe my needs are just unrealistic? That's what I'm guessing anyways. That's why I still hug the pillow though. It's why I keep the fantasy going. It's stupid, it's gross, but it's an outlet for all of these needs and emotions I can't show around other men. I've been afriad to stop. It's an unhealthy habit, sure, but it keeps me in my own little world, separated from everyone else. I don't want to deal with the consequences if I stop. I don't want to need other people for companionship.
But something's gotta change. So I'm quitting for a few days, just to see how it feels.
It's finally Friday. Between college applications being due, Halloween, and other work, I've just been so busy. I probably wouldn't feel this exhausted if I'd been managing my sleep well, but I haven't. I've been using work as an excuse, but the only reason I have to stay up late doing work is because I was lazy about it earlier. Every time I procrastinate I'm just making things way harder on my future self, and now I'm paying for it pretty hard.
I feel like I need to be harder on myself. I know it sounds unhealthy, but I have a tendency to dissociate myself from my flaws. I have a terrible habit of trying to see myself as who I want to be now, and refusing acknowlede my much less impressive real self. Sometimes I do it subconsciosly, sometimes willingly. I feel like if I don't make a big deal out of my flaws when I see them, they'll slip between the cracks, and I'll be blind to them again. Laziness has been a big one for me lately, and I'm not making much progress on fixing that one.
Maybe I can't fix myself. Maybe not all the way. So often I'll hyperfocus on correcting a vice of mine, only to get discouraged and ashamed when I don't see quick progress. Usually I just subconsciosly give up and do my best to forget about the problems that are right in front of my face. Why do I do that? Am I a narccisist? I have absolutly no doubt that I have pride and arrogance and self-centeredness, but is it that bad? Why do I natrually pretend I'm perfect instead of trying to get better?
It's frustrating, but giving up is the problem, so that's what I'm not about to do. I think this diary will help me stay tethered to reality. Not all the way, but at least a bit more than I have been. Whenever I see that prideful additude in myself again, I'll remember it and write it down so I don't forget. That way I can start to get a grip on who I actually am, and what I can do to meet my goals as a person. I just gotta remind myself it won't happen overnight. Baby steps I guess.
As an added bonus it gets to stay on the internet! That's kinda cool.
See you around! <3
I know people usually share kinda personal things on their sites, and there's nothing wrong with that. But it does make people sort of expect some hurt or vulnerability to come up when they see a diary section. There might be a day I make a post like that, but I gotta tell you, October 25th is NOT that day. It's a Friday! I feel fantastic.
I'm still ironing out the site. I think it'll be a while before I can cobble together anything beautiful. For now it's pretty bare, but I'll figure out some kind of aesthetic soon. (Note from the future, I did. We're light goth here now) Seeing all the artistic sites around here is really inspiring, but I never realized how meticulous it all was to make until I started my own site. I have so much more respect for creators on Neocities now that I've dipped my foot into the HTML world.
